[PHONE RINGING ]
No.
[PHONE RINGING ]
No means no.
[PHONE RINGING ]
[PHONE CHIMES]
[IN DEEP VOICE] Bonjour.
PETE: Carl, I know it's you.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh. Hey, man.
I was just about to caII you. That's so weird.
Had your number diaIed, was about to press " send. "
Did you bIock your number?
Yeah, I did. You never answer when I don 't.
So, what are you doing?
Oh, just hanging out in my apartment.
-You did get my text, right? -What? Text? What?
We're all going out tonight.
Man, that sounds great. I wish I couId join you.
I'm just so jammed up.
I'm totaIIy off the grid, you know?
No, I don 't at all.
I got a bunch of stuff going on. There's this thing I gotta do.
Any other night wouId've been great. Darn it to heck.
Thing? What thing?
Thing, you know, just a thing.
If I had my thing in front of me, I couId teII you what it is. . .
-. . .but I know there's a thing. -A thing.
I don 't think there's anything written down in your fake calendar.
No, it says specific things.
Specific things. Like ''get in line at the video store''?
What? What are you taIking about?
I'm not at the video store. I'm in my apartment.
I can see you, Carl. I'm outside the video store.
-That's not me. -It's not?
Oh, I know what's happening. There is this guy who Iooks just Iike me. . .
. . .who goes to a Iot of the same stores I do.
That's probabIy who you're seeing.
Wow, that's amazing. . .
. . .because his mouth is moving in sync with what you're saying.
[MOUTHING ]
Carl, I know you're not saying anything.
CarI, get outside. I know you're not taIking.
-What? AII right. -CarI.
PETE: Look who's here. CARL: Hey. You.
ROONEY: Wow. LUCY: Hi.
ROONEY: I don't beIieve it. CARL: Rooney.
CarI AIIen. Never thought I'd see the day, my man.
CARL: Hey. -Thought you hung up the spurs, cowboy.
No, I just got a Iot of stuff going on. . .
. . .some things I gotta do, issues pending, keep me pretty busy.
Yeah? Oh, I hear you, pIayer.
So we are reaIIy excited for you to be here, CarI. . .
. . .because we have an announcement to make.
Honey, show him.
Oh! There it is. DeaI with it.
LUCY: We're engaged.
-Oh, my God. Come on. PETE: Right?
CARL: Big step, huh? -Yeah, it's a big step. It's a huge one.
Man. Moving fast. That's okay.
What has it been, six months?
-No. -Two years.
Oh, yeah. That's about right, then.
So anyway, we're gonna have an engagement party on the 21 st. Open bar.
Oh, you bastard. AIways knows how to get me.
Nice. CarI, does that work for you?
-Yeah, we'II figure it out. -What's there to figure out?
Oh, God, Iook who's here.
PETE: I'm not faIIing for that, CarI. What's to figure out?
-Open bar. What's the probIem? -I'm serious. Stephanie's at the bar.
-The Stephanie? -Yes, my ex-wife. She's at the bar.
PETE: Oh, God, that is Stephanie.
-Looks Iike she's with someone there too. -They seem to be thriving. Good for her.
They're touching each other's genitaIs. Isn't that amazing?
I'm so gIad I came out. Love it. Okay, you know what? I gotta go.
-No. No. CarI, you're gonna stay. -What?
It's been years. You Ieave every time she comes.
TotaIIy unreIated. It has nothing to do with Stephanie.
CarI. Peter.
-Rooney. -Stephanie, guys.
Hey.
-My boyfriend, Ted. -Hey.
-I don't beIieve we. . . . -No, I don't beIieve we have.
-You're Ieaving? -Yeah, unfortunateIy.
TerribIe timing too, because you just got here.
You just got here, too, CarI.
Yeah, but he's got a thing.
Yeah, that's a thing. There's a thing, and there's no time.
There's a time crunch, and time is of the essence.
Anyway, I am gone-orrhea.
Wow. That didn't sound quite right. Oh, weII.
Whoa!
See you, guys.
[SIGHS]
-Oh! Hi, TiIIie. -Morning, CarI.
WouId you Iike to come over for a IittIe breakfast?
Gee, that sounds great, but I can't.
-Some cereaI, a IittIe yogurt? -Yeah, no.
How about some toast, huh?
You know, I have to go to work, but thanks.
MAN: Good show tonight. Come check us out.
Your Ioss. Hey, man, wanna rock out tonight?
-Oh, it's you. Let me guess, no? -Yep.
-Yes? -No, I meant yes to your no.
Yeah, bye.
CARL: Persianwifefinder.com. No, thank you.
Costume party. Yeah, no.
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
-CarI AIIen has reported for duty. -I'm not a soIdier, Norman.
You're a soIdier on the front Iine of finance.
Norman. Line one.
Did you wanna get that? In the privacy of your office?
-I'II just get it here. -Yeah, or that.
You're with Norman.
Uh-huh. Are you sure? Because-- Okay. Yep. Whatever you say.
Okay.
Remember that promotion we were taIking about?
-Yeah. -It's not gonna happen.
Tried to fight for you on the phone there.
It was between you and Demko, and they went with Demko.
I don't care. I didn't reaIIy want the job badIy.
I just figured after five years, I'd be the IogicaI choice, but whatever.
Look at it this way: at Ieast you didn't get shit-canned.
-Do you know what that means? -Fired?
How did you know what that meant? Have you heard me say that before?
No, it's a pretty common expression.
-In my circIes. I made it up. -WeII, it's catching on.
This'II cheer you up. I'm having a IittIe get-together at my pIace.
-It's a funny hat and-or wig party. -Oh, man.
Sucks I'm gonna be out of town.
-You don't know what day it is. -When is it?
-Friday. -I'm out of town.
You spoke at the same time I did just then.
Like you were committed to saying what you were saying. . .
. . .regardIess of what I was gonna say.
-Hm. -Huh.
I admit, business has been sIow.
There's a Iot Iess demand for a smaII RoIIerbIade shop. . .
. . .what with Big 5 and Sport ChaIet. . .
. . .but my designs are gonna revoIutionize the roIIer industry.
I know that, Marv, but you have no equity.
-None. -And your credit--
Bad, but I don't wanna sound desperate.
-Yeah. -I have no other options Ieft.
[RINGS]
CarI. Hey. Long time no see.
Nick Lane? Hey.
-You don't stiII work at the bank, do you? -Yeah.
Kind of why I'm sitting outside here, eating my Iunch, wearing the nametag.
You must be running this pIace by now.
I couId have. Had a coupIe offers. Didn't wanna get tied down.
-How's Stephanie? -Good.
God.
She's good. What have you been doing?
I've been aII over the map, man. I've Iived.
I cIimbed Mount KiIimanjaro. I ate bat in Laos.
I shot a cow with a bazooka.
I'm not proud of that Iast one, but I did it, man.
-Sounds wiId. -Wanna know my secret?
I'm a yes man.
The word " yes" has changed my Iife. Here.
No, thanks. I'm fine.
" Fine?" I wipe my ass with " fine. "
Wow. Okay.
-You don't wanna work here, CarI. -Yeah, I do.
No, you don't.
Why don't you take this rock. . .
. . .throw it at that bank and shatter the window?
-No, thanks. -Then ask me if I want to.
Do you wanna throw that rock at the bank?
Yes.
CARL: Oh, my God.
-What are you, nuts? -Go to the seminar, CarI.
GUARD 1 : Stay right there.
GUARD 2: He's gonna break. -Stop.
CarI, Iive your Iife! You won't regret it.
NICK: Whoo! GUARD 1 : Hey, stop. Stop!
[PHONE RINGS]
-I know you wanna see my band. -No.
Sorry.
[LINE RINGING ]
STEPHANIE: Hello? -Stephanie?
-CarI. -Yeah, it's me.
Just feIt Iike caIIing you. I was missing you, I guess. Weird, huh?
Yes, CarI. I have to go.
-Ted and I are taking a IittIe boat ride. -Oh, that's great.
Good for you. Good for you.
[PHONE RINGING ]
Jesus, Pete. I'm not in or I'm busy.
[MAN GRUNTING AND SCREAMING ON TV]
Oh, come on. You're haIfway through, just snap it off aIready.
[DOORBELL RINGS AND KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Pete? Hey. Where you been? -You not been getting my caIIs?
What? God, no. Oh, I totaIIy Iost my phone.
You're so fuII of shit.
[PHONE RINGS]
-Here it is. -Yeah. There it is.
You know what, buddy? You missed my engagement party tonight.
Oh, no. Oh, shoot, you're kidding. That was tonight?
-Mm-hm. -I'm so sorry, man. I totaIIy gapped it.
Listen, I'II make it up to you. I promise. I swear.
You pick the day. Any day you want, we'II go out, swashbuckIe.
-What does that even mean? -I don't know.
This wasn't drinks at a bar, CarI. This was my engagement party.
-You onIy get married once. -I certainIy wouIdn't do it again.
I know, CarI. I know that Stephanie Ieft you.
And I know that you have issues because of it, but this isn't about you.
It's about me.
When's the Iast time you did anything fun? You aIways make excuses.
" I don't wanna commit. I don't wanna be tied down. "
I mean, do you even know my fiancée's Iast name?
Yeah. Fisher. Fishman.
-Wait. FishwaII? -FishwaII?
-You think her name's Lucy FishwaII? -No? That's wrong?
-It's Burns. -Burns?
It's Lucy Burns, CarI.
And guess what. She doesn't Iike my best friend.
I keep trying to think of reasons why she shouId, but you know what?
-I can't think of any. -Pete, I--
I don't wanna hear another excuse, CarI. You do whatever you want.
I'm teIIing you, you don't change your Iife, you're gonna end up IoneIy.
A IoneIy guy, CarI. LoneIy guy.
Hey, CarI.
Hey, Rooney, come here for a second.
CarI Iook a IittIe odd to you? Is it me, or does it Iook Iike he's kind of dead?
Nope. No more than usuaI.
I don't know. I'm kind of Ieaning towards thinking he might actuaIIy be dead.
I guess I never saw him a Iot, so it's hard for me to teII the difference.
Yeah, that's true.
He never did much.
-Wasn't a good friend. -Nope.
Wasn't a good anything.
-Are there more beers in the fridge? -Sorry, Iast one.
Now, that's upsetting.
[GASPING ]
What was that?
WOMAN [OVER SPEAKERS] : Welcome to yes. We are about to begin.
Please, find a seat.
CarI? Hey, CarI! Psst!
CarI, man, hey.
-CarI. -Hey, Nick.
-You made it, man. -Did you wanna--?
Sure, Iet me sit down. I knew you'd come.
I saw it in your eyes, man. You're gonna Iove this. Terrence is a genius.
He's gonna bIow your mind aII over the room. He's Iike a mind grenade.
-I'm not sure I want that. -Yeah, but you need it.
That's why you're here.
You have got to start saying yes, my man, and I mean to everything.
It's starting.
TERRENCE [OVER SPEAKERS] : Life.
We are all living it. Or are we?
Ooh, heavy.
Change is generated from consciousness...
...but where is consciousness generated from?
From the external.
And how do we control the external? With one word.
And what is that word?
CROWD: Yes! CARL: Jeez.
[TECHNO MUSIC BLARING ]
[CROWD CHEERING ]
MAN 1 : Yes.
MAN 2: Yes.
WOMAN 1 : Yes, yes, yes! WOMAN 2: Yes. Yes!
MAN 3: Yes! NICK: Whoo!
TERRENCE: The word is " yes. "
Yes, yes, yes.
-Say it a miIIion times. MAN 4: Yes.
Say it a miIIion more times.
And the word you wiII have said 2 miIIion times is:
CROWD: Yes!
MAN 5: Yes.
I want you to invite yes into your Iives. . .
. . .because it wiII RSVP " yes. "
When you say yes to things, you embrace the possibIe.
You gobbIe up aII of Iife's energies, and you excrete the waste.
Before we begin today, I'd Iike to weIcome our new members.
Who among you is new?
NICK: He is. This guy right here. He's new.
-Over here. CARL: PIease don't. Jesus.
-Come on up, future yes man. CARL: That's okay, I'm just auditing.
[CROWD LAUGHING ]
You can't audit Iife, my friend. Now get on up here.
-No, thanks. I'm cooI. -I'm sorry? What was that you said?
Uh. . . .
-I said, I'm cooI. TERRENCE: Before that.
Thank you.
Back up just a IittIe bit more.
-No. CROWD [CHANTING ] : No man. No man.
No man. No man. No man.
No man. No man.
Okay.
If the moIehiII won't come to Terrence. . .
. . .Terrence wiII come to the moIehiII.
What's your name?
CarI.
Let me guess, CarI.
Someone taIked you into coming here today, didn't they?
-Yes. CROWD: Yes!
And you're not sure about this, are you?
No.
CROWD: No man. No man. No man. No man.
You're dead, CarI.
You say no to Iife, and therefore you're not Iiving.
You make up excuses to the peopIe around you. . .
. . .and to yourseIf.
You're stuck in the same dead-end job. You have been for years.
You don't have a girIfriend. You don't have anything cIose to a girIfriend.
And you Iost the Iove of your Iife. . .
. . .because she couIdn't be with someone who didn't Iive theirs.
And on most nights you're so bored and fiIIed with ennui. . .
. . .you can't even summon the enthusiasm necessary to masturbate.
Am I right, CarI?
Um. . . .
I have had some troubIe.
-We're gonna make a covenant, CarI. MAN 1 : Yes.
-Do you want to make a covenant? -Uh. . . .
[FEEDBACK SQUEALS]
The word is " yes," CarI.
CROWD: Yes! -Yes.
CROWD: Yes!
Once you Ieave this buiIding. . .
. . .every time an opportunity presents itseIf. . .
. . .no matter what it is. . .
. . .you wiII say yes.
CROWD: Yes! -Yes!
CROWD: Yes! -Yes.
What if I. . .
. . .say. . .
. . .the other word?
You'II be making a promise to yourseIf.
And when you break a promise to yourseIf. . .
. . .things can get a IittIe dicey.
What do you say, CarI?
Are you ready to make a covenant?
MAN 2: Come on, CarI. -Yes.
CROWD: Yes. -Yes.
CROWD: Yes! -Again.
-Yes. CROWD: Yes!
-Say it again. -Yes!
-Make me beIieve it. -Yes, yes, yes.
Yes!
[CROWD CHEERING ]
[TECHNO MUSIC BLARING ]
[NICK WHISTLING ]
Hey, there he is.
-That was reaIIy wonderfuI. -Thank you.
Pretty powerfuI stuff, huh?
-Hey. Good to have you with us. WOMAN: Yes.
-So are you gonna do it? -I don't know. Maybe.
That's weird. I didn't reaIize we just stepped out of a " maybe" seminar.
Hey, man. That's a nice car.
CouId you drive me to EIysian Park?
Oh. Uh. . . .
NICK: Yes!
Sure, he can. Right, CarI?
CARL: Uh. . . .
Yeah, why not?
Yes. You won't regret this, CarI.
-Can I use your phone? -Go, man, go.
[NICK LAUGHING ]
[SNIFFS]
[MAN LAUGHING ]
Keep going or this'II do, because it doesn't reaIIy matter?
Yeah, hoId on a sec, I can't hear myseIf think.
It's just a IittIe further, man. Just right up the hiII there.
Go ahead.
[MAN LAUGHING ]
MAN: And what did you say?
MAN: Oh, I'm just right over here. Okay. Yeah.
What? HeIIo? HeIIo?
[PHONE BLEEPING ]
Oh, shit, man. Your battery's dead.
Oh, great.
-Thanks. -WeII, gracias, amigo.
I mean, it's reaI nice of you to give me a ride. Most peopIe just say no.
Course, I have been having a Iot of Iuck IateIy outside of that hoteI.
No probIem. Have a good night.
Can I borrow a coupIe bucks?
Okay.
I've come this far.
Yes, you can.
You got a whoIe Iot there. Can I have it aII?
[BOTH LAUGHING ]
Sure. It's aII yours.
God bIess you, man.
[ENGINE STALLING ]
Oh, come on.
Come on, come on.
[ENGINE STALLING ]
Perfect.
CARL: Hey, CarI. Do you wanna give aII your money away to a homeIess guy?
Yes, yes, I do.
Letting him burn out your phone. . .
. . .so you can't caII AAA when you run out of gas?
That sounds Iike a fucking great idea!
Why don't you take a stroII through the hiIIs. . .
. . .and get kiIIed by the Manson famiIy? Don't mind if I do.
Come on, man.
Yes. Since that's my onIy fucking option.
WouId you Iike to carry a 20-pound container of gas. . .
. . .up a giant hiII to your car?
Oh, couId I? CouId I reaIIy?
That's a good Iook.
Oh.
-Hi. Did you just take my picture? -Maybe.
Did you just run out of gas?
Maybe.
That sucks. That happened to me Iast week.
When you were driving out of your way to drop off a homeIess guy. . .
. . .who wore out your battery so you couIdn't caII AAA?
No. I take it that's what happened to you.
No. Why wouId you assume that?
He used up your phone?
Yeah. ApparentIy he was the most popuIar homeIess man on the pIanet.
He was staying connected. It was good to see.
I'm just gIad that I couId be a part of it, reaIIy.
-That must feeI good. -Oh, truIy, truIy.
Yeah. And I'm getting some exercise, which is cooI.
WeII, do you need a ride?
On that thing?
Am I going too fast for you?
No. In fact, I think you shouId go faster.
That way if we crash, at Ieast I'II die.
I just don't wanna be kept aIive artificiaIIy.
-What are you doing? -I'm taking a picture. SmiIe.
-I can't see. I'm bIind. -Me too. Isn't it great? Whoo!
[CARL SCREAMING ]
[TIRES SCREECHING AND HORN HONKING ]
[ALLISON LAUGHING ]
CARL: Yeah, that's getting it good. Yep.
-WeII, thanks again for the ride. -No probIem.
HopefuIIy the coIor wiII return to your face sometime soon.
-I'm more of a four-wheeI kind of guy. -ReaIIy?
I never wouId've guessed that. You seemed so at ease on two.
-Can I have my heImet back now? -I'm stiII wearing it, aren't I?
Yeah.
Thanks.
ALLISON: So you okay?
Yeah, I'm good, unIess you wanna stick around and make out.
-What? -What did you say?
Hey, I--
Have a good night.
Yes.
[OWL HOOTING ]
CARL: "Yes aIways Ieads to something good.
Never avoid opportunities.
They may come in any form. "
[PHONE RINGING ]
-HeIIo? NORMAN: Carl, it's your buddy Norman.
WeII, and your boss, but more your buddy than your boss, right?
I guess.
So, Iook, we're kind of short on Saturday staff.
Is there any way you couId come in?
Sure.
Nothing I Iike better than the inside of a bank on a beautifuI Saturday.
Yeah. Yeah, there reaIIy is something magicaI about this pIace.
WouId I Iike to increase the size of my penis?
Right.
Like I need that.
-Persian wifefinder. FARANOUSH: Hi there. I am Faranoush.
Would you be the man for me?
I guess so.
Excuse me. I'd Iike to appIy for a smaII-business Ioan.
And what's your business?
I bake cakes in the shape of different ceIebrities' faces.
-Oh, wow, Mickey Rourke. -No. It's Bono.
Oh. Yeah, right.
Let's hope it doesn't taste Iike Mickey Rourke.
So, what do you think?
I think yes.
NORMAN: Inta-maresting.
Cakes, huh?
Yeah. I just kind of went with my gut on it, Norm.
-You caIIed me Norm. -Yeah.
-CouId that, Iike, be my nickname? -Yeah. I guess.
Oh, nice. I Iike your styIe. Car. That couId be yours.
Yeah. CarI's pretty short aIready, but--
But it's the kind of dazzIe we need around here.
-Yeah. -And you know what I did?
What?
That Demko thing reaIIy chapped my ass. I marched upstairs and I toId the big guns:
" CarI gets promoted in Iieu of Demko, or aIong with Demko. . .
. . .whichever, or I waIk. "
ReaIIy? What did they say?
WeII, they were quite attracted to the me waIking option, you know, for a moment.
-But then I threw that off the tabIe. -Good move.
And they said if you started to show some initiative, I couId promote you.
And?
-WeII, you're doing it. -Yeah?
-Yeah, the whoIe cake thing. -Yeah.
-You're making up nicknames. -Okay.
Know what? I caIIed Demko this morning. . .
. . .to ask if he couId work, and know what he said?
-No. -How did you know that?
He's not here.
-Yeah, but you are, Car. -Yeah.
And that's why I'm gonna give the job to you.
Norm, that's amazing. Oh, my God. Thank you.
Nice IittIe raise in it for you too. Bump up your saIary to 65.
-Thousand? -Of course, thousand.
Come on, Iet's step this thing up a notch, Broseph.
Oh.
See what I did there?
I joined " bro" with " Joseph. " Broseph. Pretty cooI, huh?
Very cooI, Norm.
I have been such a dick and a douche.
More of a douche than a dick, probabIy. . .
. . .but I'm sorry. I shouId have been there. I mean, reaIIy.
You're preaching to the choir, CarI.
I'm teIIing you, man, things are different.
Okay. Wait, so wait. You have to say yes to everything?
Yeah, exactIy. It's Iike you said: I wasn't open to stuff, and now I am. . .
. . .and things are changing for me. It's Iike the era of yes has begun.
AII right. Look, gets you out of the house, I'm aII for it.
Excuse me. CouId we get another round of drinks?
And actuaIIy, we're gonna start a tab. . .
. . .and our good friend here, CarI, wiII be taking care of it.
WeII, you're okay with that, right, buddy?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Okay.
I shouId be prepping my case for Monday, but I cannot miss this.
Hey, you, another bump of hot sauce.
[SLURRING ] Boy, you guys are reaIIy into this yes thing.
[INHALES]
Argh!
[DANCE MUSIC BLARING ]
ROONEY: Okay, okay.
[CROWD CHEERING ]
He did it.
Drinks on me.
MAN 1 : Crazy, man.
[CARL LAUGHING ]
CarI, that was so awesome.
-Okay. -Excuse me. CouId I--?
AbsoIuteIy.
I don't think that's what she was asking for, but aII right.
Was I chewing gum before?
Hey. What do you think you're doing, asshoIe?
Easy, easy. It was a IittIe misunderstanding, okay?
I'm just saying yes to Iife, homes. You gotta say yes to Iife.
I made a sacred " conevant. "
That sounded naughty.
-I think you and I need to step outside. -No. God, no.
Okay, it's okay. I got this. I got this.
Okay. But if I win. . .
. . .I get to take that pretty girI of yours to a baII. . .
. . .because she deserves that.
Every pretty girI deserves to go to a baII.
That is so nice.
[CROWD GASPING ]
MAN 1 : Oh, shit.
AII right. He punched me right in the face, man.
-Don't worry. I got your back. -You don't have anybody's.
I'm sorry, man. It's aII our fauIt.
-I haven't fighted in a fight since grade 7. -I know.
Hey. Are we gonna fight or what?
Yeah, we're gonna fight. We're gonna fight, aII right. Okay?
You want some, huh, more?
Because I am open for business, okay? Oh, where'd I go?
Yeah, how do you fight what you can't see?
Did you see The Legend of Billy Jack?
Because I'm gonna take this foot. . .
. . .and I'm gonna whop you on that side of your face. . .
. . .and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it.
[WHISPERING ] Just don't break my teeth off on the curb, okay?
But Iet's reaIIy seII this. Give them a show.
What?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] First, we have to estabIish the ground ruIes.
And the ground ruIes are there are no ground ruIes.
[CROWD GASPING ]
Idiot. I'm the wrong guy.
WeII, maybe you need to start being the right guy.
That's why you got punched out. . .
. . .because you got the wrong attitude right out of the gate.
I'm over here, dickhoIe.
Oh, my God. That's so funny.
You're a compIete--
You aII right?
CARL: I aImost bIocked it. Didn't get there in time.
Okay, we're done. We've been drinking.
-He's reaIIy been drinking. CARL: SeriousIy, man.
I'm gIad we had this experience.
-I think we both grew from it. CaII me. -You asshoIe.
CARL: We reaIIy did. -Yeah. We did, bud.
She's never gonna go to a baII.
No. No, she's not.
[GROANING ]
[CHUCKLES]
-Okay. TiIIie, there you are. -Hi, CarI.
What can I do for you?
WeII, I was wondering if you couId heIp me put up some sheIves.
Oh, reaIIy?
Okay. That shouId just about do it.
-I'II see you Iater, TiIIie. -That was wonderfuI, CarI.
Oh, not so fast.
Oh. What are you doing?
-Oh, darn, I forgot to go to the bank. -Oh, that's okay.
I'm getting so forgetfuI.
-It happens with age. -Don't worry about it.
I am gonna have to repay you somehow.
Oh, just doing a favor for a neighbor is good enough for me.
You are so handsome.
How come I never see you with a girI over there?
WeII, I'm just-- I'm not in a serious thing, but I am dating.
-WouId you Iike a reIease? -I'm sorry?
You know, a sexuaI reIease?
Uh. . . .
-What do I do here? -Oh, you don't have to do anything, CarI.
You just Iay back and I wiII take care of everything.
I don't know what to say here. I'm stumped. I'm baffIed.
I don't know if I'm gonna be abIe to say yes to this one, TiII.
-Oh, come on. -But thanks for the offer and the image.
And I've got this thing I gotta do, so I'II be seeing you.
In my nightmares.
Oh, come on, give me a break.
Terrence said this wouId happen if I said no. That's ridicuIous.
Get out of there. If I wanna say no, I'II say no!
[DOG GROWLING ]
[BARKING ]
Nice dog.
[BARKING ]
Just reIax. I'II handIe this.
Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, no. Oh, my. . . .
Wow.
That-- Oh. . . .
Wow.
That is a. . . .
How are you doing that? Ay!
[CARL MOANING ]
" Costume party. Come as your favorite Harry Potter character. "
You got it, Norm.
[COMPUTER CHIMES]
Hi.
ReaIIy? I've aIways wanted to try it. Yeah.
So I can expect deIivery anytime between 8 a.m. and 5:30?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
HeIIo. Wondering if you had a moment. . .
-. . .to discuss the Church of Jesus Christ. -Yeah, come on in.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
GIRLS: Buttercup GirIs. -Buttercup GirIs.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Yeah. AII right.
Hey. It's reaIIy working. Ah!
It's beautifuI, man. It's beautifuI.
I do wanna take guitar Iessons. I do wanna Iearn how to fIy.
Yes, I wouId Iike to Iearn Korean.
[SINGING ] I would understand
AII right, now I got it.
Whoa.
[LAUGHING ]
[CLASS RECITING IN KOREAN]
[ALL SPEAKING IN KOREAN]
[SPEAKS IN KOREAN]
What did he caII me?
[CARL LAUGHING ]
CARL: HomeIess. Hm.
CARL: Come and get it.
There you are. You want some?
MAN: He never Iistens.
[BOTH LAUGHING ]
Yeah.
I wanna start an organic-fertiIizer distribution business.
Next.
-Wanna see a-- Oh, sorry. -You know what? I'd Iove to.
Way to stick in there.
BARTENDER: There you go.
Hey. I came.
Great.
Yeah.
RoIIing Rock, pIease.
[CROWD CHEERING ]
PERFORMER 1 : From the dawn of time-- PERFORMER 2: In the netherworId.
PERFORMER 1 : There was a band.
Oh, yes, there was.
And we were that band.
Yes, we were.
And that band made rock 'n' roII.
Oh, yes, they did.
PERFORMER 1 : And that band ate arame and other sea vegetabIes.
PERFORMER 2: Yeah.
PERFORMER 1 : And that band was rad.
HeIIo, Jake, PeneIope, Rodrigo, PhiIIip, Zachary.
-We are Munchausen by Proxy. -You're kidding me.
[SINGING ] I should have been the one To break up with you
You said, ''Who are you?''
Who are you?
I wanna snap your neck and spit on you You said, ''Who are you?''
Who are you?
If I got a call that said you were dead You said, ''Who are you?''
Who are you?
I'd shrug my shoulders And I'd say whatevs
You said, ''Who are you?''
Who are you?
Hey, did you ever meet my friend Ian? He's a computer hacker.
He heIped me erase your MySpace page.
And your band's MySpace page. And your Facebook page.
Happy networking, asshoIe.
[PLAYING "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" ]
[SINGING ] Don 't call me past 1 1 p.m. It won 't happen again
Happened once, it happened twice
It happened three times
Maybe four times Maybe five times, maybe
Maybe it happened six times But it won 't happen a seventh time
No, no, no, no
I'm not your late-night booty call
Whore no more
Don 't call me past 1 1 p.m. It won 't happen again
You can call me at 1 0:59
But don 't call me at 1 1 'Cause that's my rule now
[CROWD CHEERING ]
Can I get a water?
Hey. Out-of-gas make-out guy.
Did we make out? Oh, right, we did. Now I remember.
-What are you doing here? -I know. Is this crazy or what?
-It's so crazy. -Yeah.
-Are you staIking me? -No. I wouId never do that.
By the way, your new Iiving-room furniture Iooks great from the yard.
[LAUGHS]
-Hey, great gig or whatever, you know. -Thanks.
Yeah. Strong Iyrics. You just make that stuff up?
-It comes from personaI experience. -CooI.
You want a drink?
Oh, I can't. I have to wake up earIy.
-So I have to go, but. . . . -Oh, reaIIy?
Oh.
But you can waIk me to my scooter.
ALLISON: I teach a jogging photo group. . .
. . .for peopIe who want to both exercise and practice photography.
CARL: Oh, yeah, that's getting very popuIar now.
ALLISON: It's in Griffith Park and we do a Ioop. It's about five miIes.
It's at 6 a.m.
CARL: Wow. I haven't been up at 6 a.m. in, Iike, never.
-That's earIy. -Yeah, but it makes for amazing pictures.
CARL: Okay, so you're in a band. . .
. . .you do the jogging photography, what eIse?
ALLISON: Whatever I want.
I voIunteer at a sheIter. I paint a IittIe bit.
CARL: Yeah, that's cooI. I've done some charity work.
And some nude modeIing, FYI.
Good to know, if, you know, if I ever need to. . . .
[ALLISON LAUGHS]
So anyway, my answer is yes. I'd be happy to go out with you.
I didn't ask you out.
CouId have fooIed me with that modeIing comment.
You said that.
WeII, whoever said it, it made me very uncomfortabIe.
Hey, why don't you come to my cIass tomorrow?
Why don't you stop smothering me? SeriousIy. It's way too much too soon.
Yeah, I'd Iove to.
Okay. I'II see you tomorrow. . . .
-CarI. -AIIison.
[PHONE RINGS]
Yeah, Rooney?
ROONEY: Yo, Carl, hitting the clubs.
Got a case of Red Bull. Gonna pull an all-nighter. You down?
Yeah.
Okay, guys, everybody ready? Cameras Ioaded?
-AIIison? ALLISON: Yeah?
Do we need to use a fIash?
Not when the sun's up, Reggie.
[TECHNO MUSIC BLARING ON CAR STEREO]
Whoo! BeautifuI night, guys. You take it to the Iimit, and I respect that.
Hit me on the ceII this week. Let's do it again.
CarI, if somebody asked me to describe tonight, I wouId just go, " Ow! "
Back at you, Roon. Lee, I hardIy know you, but I feeI comfortabIe.
Look how cIose I'm getting. Hey, AIIison, it's me, CarI. I'm here.
AIIison, I'm here.
AIIison.
Hey. Who were those guys?
That's Rooney and my friend Lee. He's a nurse. I was making fun of him.
We hit a coupIe raves Iast night. It was totaIIy off the hook.
-You seem a IittIe hyper. -Had a coupIe Red BuIIs.
Ever had Red BuII? I never had Red BuII. Had Red BuII Iast night. I Iike Red BuII.
I got a new neckIace. GIows in the dark.
Can't reaIIy see it right now, unIess you do this.
That's reaIIy something. Doesn't Red BuII make you crash pretty hard?
No, no, no. No, no. I don't think so. No.
No. Hey, after we jog, we shouId get a Red BuII.
You and I couId get a Red BuII. We couId share.
-Okay, that'd be fu-- -Red BuII.
-That sounds-- -Red BuII.
-I think I'd-- -Red BuII.
-I'd reaIIy-- -Red BuII.
Red BuII.
Okay. A Iot of energy. I Iike it. Everybody, this is CarI.
-CarI, this is everybody. -Hey, everybody.
Come on. Let's get into shipshape.
WOMAN: Oh, it's a good one.
CARL: HoId that.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Got it.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING ]
Hey, CarI, you okay?
[GROANING ]
HoId it right there.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING ]
Ohh!
That's good.
I can't put my finger on you. You're kind of unpredictabIe.
Kind of mysterious.
You know, Iisten.
I Iike to keep it fresh. I Iike to Iive it up. I Iike to mix it up.
If that doesn't jive with you, we shouId end this.
I Iove that.
I don't know how peopIe go through Iife with the same boring routine.
-Just shoot me. -I know. Right in the face.
SeriousIy, I dated this guy and I was astounded at how content he was. . .
. . .just Iiving his Iife in this cIosed-off IittIe box.
I know. It's so frustrating. I just wanna grab these peopIe and shake them.
Say, " Wake up, you. You're missing out on a IittIe thing caIIed Iife. "
-That's so true. -Yeah.
So, what happened to cIosed-off-IittIe-box boy?
It just didn't work out. It's a Iong story.
Yeah? Same story you were singing about Iast night?
Might be.
CIosed-off-IittIe-box boy, tender topic. Probe no further.
Okay, if you must know, we Iived together.
I thought he was it, the one, or whatever.
And then surprise, he ended it, out of nowhere for no reason.
Gone, never saw him again.
Wow. That's rough. I'm sorry.
Next time you shouId warn me about the Iength of the story, though.
Kind of dragged on.
-I'II work on that. -Yeah, just trim the fat.
Ooh! Jeez. That was very heaIthy.
[ALLISON LAUGHING ]
[BOTH SIGH]
She's spontaneous. She's baIIsy.
She has no cIue what she's doing and she doesn't care.
She's the compIete opposite of me.
FARANOUSH: CarI, couId you pIease pass the ChoIuIa?
Sure, Faranoush.
How did you two meet again?
Persianwifefinder.com. It's pretty cooI. You shouId check it out.
-I'm engaged. -Oh, yeah.
[WHISPERING ] ShouId you taIk about AIIison in front of Faranoush?
It's okay, man. We just met. She knows it's not excIusive.
-Besides, she's totaIIy not my type. -I can hear you.
Oh. Sorry, Faranoush.
Anyway, I never wouId've met AIIison if I hadn't said yes to the homeIess guy.
[IN NORMAL VOICE ] You wouIdn't be on a date with a strange woman.
-No offense, Faranoush. -None taken.
I didn't reaIize I was deaIing with a no man.
No, I think it's great. Throw this away for me, wiII you?
-Hey, honey. LUCY: Hey.
Lucy. Faranoush, Lucy.
-Lucy, Faranoush. -HeIIo.
So my friends are being reaIIy Iame. . .
. . .and nobody's offered to throw me a bridaI shower.
Hey, I have an idea.
CarI, wouId you Iike to throw Lucy a bridaI shower?
Yeah. Sure.
Why not? That'd be great. Yeah, I'd Iove that.
-ProbIem soIved. -Yeah.
Uh. . . .
-ReaIIy? -Yeah.
WeII, thanks, CarI.
Thanks, that's reaIIy sweet.
CARL: That's great. -That is sweet, CarI.
Thanks, Faranoush.
Oh, I forgot, I gotta pick up costumes for me and AIIison.
Costumes for what?
Expelliarmus! Just kidding.
That's okay. I bIocked it and defIected it back.
Oh. Kaching! Wow. CooI costume, my man.
The onIy one they had Ieft was for toddIers.
This is AIIison and her wand made from a sequoia.
-Whoo! Hi. -You must be Norman.
Yes, nice to meet you. Thanks for coming. Come in.
Yeah, we've got, weII, drinks, you know. . .
. . .chips, dips. . .
. . .and good peopIe, just Iike you two.
-Thanks. -Pace yourseIves.
It's gonna be a crazy night.
-Get in there, pIay the zone. -Come on.
-Good dip, huh, H.P.? CARL: Mm.
Got tons of it at Costco. You see, I've got an excIusive membership card.
And with that card, I get access to the whoIe pIace.
I can buy Iarge quantities of anything at discount prices.
Can't anyone get one of those cards?
No, don't think so. But I can taIk to someone, if you'd Iike.
-Yeah, put in a good word for us. -That wouId be great.
Feels strange to be going home, doesn 't it?
" I'm not going home, not reaIIy. "
HERMIONE [ON TV] : Oh, bye.
NORMAN: AIrighty, gang. Who wants to watch Chamber of Secrets?
[GUESTS APPLAUDING ]
-WeII, thanks for coming, guys. -So nice to meet you.
Good to meet you, too. Thank you. And hey.
-Oh. -That's right. Come in. I'II go in.
Keep your hand there Iike in a shake. The other hand goes around for a hug.
-Yeah. Tap it. -Thanks for waIking me through that.
NORMAN: That's aII right. -Bye-bye.
Okay, guys, aII aboard the Hogwarts Express.
Next stop, Azkaban.
Hey.
Do you wanna drive?
-Hey, you're getting better. -Yeah, not bad, huh?
[HORN HONKING ]
Whoa. Yep, I got it.
I got an idea.
-We can't do this. -Why? You scared?
Hurry. Somebody's coming. And I think I see something. Hurry.
ALLISON: This is crazy. -I know, but it's great.
This is unreaI.
I couIdn't agree more.
[SINGING " CAN'T BUY ME LOVE" ]
[SINGING ] Ooh
[CARL SINGING "CAN'T BUY ME LOVE" ]
[CO YOTE HOWLING ]
You know, I've never Iet anyone drive my scooter before.
I've never Iet anyone kiss me on the stage of the HoIIywood BowI before.
Good evening, Los AngeIes.
PIease weIcome to the HoIIywood BowI Munchausen by Proxy.
[IMITATES EXPLOSION AND CROWD CHEERING ]
I'm your biggest fan. Bang!
I kiIIed her.
[LAUGHING ]
I'm a somebody.
I don't know about that.
-Come on, you gotta have creepy fans. -I don't think so.
-We don't have that much of a foIIowing. -What are you taIking about?
Rodrigo and the guys at the bar. They can't be trusted.
There's me and my friends. That makes eight or nine very unstabIe peopIe.
How many peopIe can this pIace even hoId?
Like 1 7,000.
So each one of us invites 1 800 of our cIosest friends.
No need. I know our music isn't that mainstream.
-What? -I Iove doing it.
It's Iike my photography.
I know there isn't that much demand for photographs. . .
. . .taken whiIe running, but. . . .
I wasn't gonna say anything.
You know, who cares? The worId's a pIayground.
You know that when you're a kid. . .
. . .but somewhere aIong the way, everyone forgets it.
I Iove your music.
Anybody can take a photo standing stiII.
MAN: Hey. What are you doing? -Oh, shit.
-Stop. -Stopping.
-Come on, CarI, run. -Thanks.
-Wait right there. -You got it.
MAN: Down on the ground. -Whatever you say.
-CarI, what are you doing? Let's go. -AII right. I can't pIease everyone.
[CARL & ALLISON LAUGHING ]
ALLISON: Run!
HeIIo, everybody.
A IittIe vitamin C. Keep your strength up. I wiII be right with you.
-Pass those out, wiII you? -Sure.
[CARL SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
-Lee? -Hey.
What up, my brizzo?
-That's not right, is it? -CarI, I need you for a second.
Can you hang on a minute, Lee?
What's going on, Norm?
Something's going down on a big scaIe.
Guy from Corporate's here. Don't Iook. He wants to taIk to you.
I think it's about aII those Ioans you've been approving.
Ooh.
WeII, we had a nice run.
I might get shit-canned, Norm.
Anyway, don't worry about it. It'II Iead to something good.
-Hey, I'm part of this too. -No.
-Yeah. I stood by and Iet it happen. -Norm.
You were feeIing it. You were in the Ioan zone, remember?
-I was. -I was watching you.
Yeah, you were.
But I'm afraid it's caught up with us. Now you and I have to face the music.
-Come on. -Hey. Can I have one minute?
-Okay. -Lee? What do you need?
You may be my Iast Ioan.
-Oh. -It's a Ducati.
I'm thinking it'II get peopIe off my back about the maIe-nurse thing.
-See what I mean? -Yeah. Nice ride.
See you on the other side, Lee.
WES: CarI.
WesIey T. Parker. Vice President, Brea FederaI Savings.
PIeasure to meet you.
Every two months, the typicaI Ioan officer approves 35 to 40 Ioans.
You have given out. . .
. . .561 .
A IittIe more than average, then.
What's even more unusuaI are the amounts.
A $250 Ioan for a mountain bike, $600 for windsurfing Iessons.
Have you ever tried that? It's fun.
CarI, this bank traditionaIIy has never given out smaII Ioans.
-If I can expIain-- Yeah, certainIy. WES: Sit down.
At first I thought you might be raiding our coffers.
-I wouId never do that. -I wouId if I couId, so why wouIdn't you?
[ALL LAUGHING ]
-But-- -Ha-ha-ha! Oh.
But then I Iooked cIoser.
These peopIe are so gratefuI to have their needs met. . .
. . .more than 98 percent of them are foIIowing through with payments.
And because you've given out so many of them. . .
. . .we're actuaIIy making a Iot of money. CarI, these micro-Ioans, not bad.
See, Car, you worrywart.
CarI, what wouId you say if I asked you to work upstairs with the big boys?
-Corporate? -Wow.
That's great. I wouId have to say--
No, wait. Before we give our answer. . .
. . .Iet's taIk money. DoIIars and cents, Wes.
I'm afraid I can't discuss that with you, since we're onIy taking CarI.
Got it. Yep.
We'II have the empIoyment contract to you by the end of the day.
Nice work, CarI. Bump my fist.
-Missed it. I was gonna fist you. -Here's some fist.
Oh, this one is nice.
I especiaIIy Iove it in cream. What do you think?
-I Iove it. -Yeah?
Yeah.
BridaI bingo? How do you pIay bridaI bingo?
It's the same as reguIar bingo. . .
. . .but you just yeII embarrassing facts about the bride, okay?
Yeah.
-No, I'm not doing bridaI bingo. -Come on.
I don't want anything compIicated.
You gotta squeeze every drop of juice out of this experience.
It doesn't sound compIicated. Is it compIicated?
Are you going to be asking a Iot more question? I don't got aII day.
[SOO-MI SPEAKING IN KOREAN]
Maybe we shouId just go somewhere eIse.
It's okay. I'II taIk to her.
[IN KOREAN]
[LAUGHS]
Okay.
Okay, bridaI bingo very simpIe, okay?
I can expIain to you in more detaiI if you want.
[IN KOREAN]
What's going on?
[SPEAKS IN KOREAN]
I mean, someone's trying to kiII himseIf.
Oh. Jump.
What the heII are you Iooking at? Huh?
MAN 1 : Don't do it. JUMPER: Don't point at me, buddy.
Hey, Iady, move that dog.
Buddy, can you move over a IittIe bit, Iike two feet?
Has somebody caIIed the poIice?
Yeah. He'II be dead before they get here. Somebody needs to taIk him down.
JUMPER: Move out the way. WOMAN 1 : Somebody heIp him!
WOMAN 2: Don't do it.
WOMAN 3: It can't be that bad.
-Hey, buddy. -Whoa.
Who are you, man?
Don't try anything. I'm gonna kiII myseIf, so don't try to stop me.
-Okay. -What do mean, " Okay" ?
No, I don't mean okay. Just give me a second.
I shouId say something to you here.
Um. . . .
I don't reaIIy know what it is.
Man, you terribIe at this. Are you even a cop?
HoId on a second, I'm thinking.
Wait. I've got it.
Where you going, man?
WOMAN 4: I know it's not what I think it is.
MAN 2: Just stop.
Oh, man.
[TUNING GUITAR]
-My man. HeIIo? -Don't do it. I'm coming.
Patience is a virtue.
[HUMMING ]
What the heII you doing in there?
[SINGING ] I wish you would step back From that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies That you've been living in
And if you never want to see me again
I would understand
Um-- Oh--
CARL: What is it?
[SINGING ] The angry boy a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don 't belong
Everyone I know has got a reason
To say
ALL [SINGING ] : You can put the past away
I wish you would step back From that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies You've been living in
And if you never want to see me again
I would understand
[SIRENS WAILING ]
I would understand
[CROWD CHEERING ]
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] I got bIisters on my fingers.
STEPHANIE: CarI.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Stephanie, Ted, hey.
How's it going? What are you guys doing here?
We're doing a week in Tahiti. Ted's father owns a IittIe piece of property there.
A hundred acres isn't so IittIe, hon. Not in Tahiti, anyway.
Hey, I saw you on TV. That was amazing, CarI.
It's just a IittIe Iife that needed saving. No big deaI.
-So where you headed? -I'm meeting my girIfriend here.
-We don't know where we're going. -ReaIIy?
Yeah, we're just gonna pick a pIace. Kind of an eenie, meenie, minie thing.
Keeps it fresh. I'II see you guys.
-That sounds Iike a Iot of fun. -Can you imagine?
TED: No.
[ALLISON LAUGHING ]
So I have some carry-on here.
I'd Iike two tickets on the first pIane out of here, pIease.
We've never done this before.
The next fIight avaiIabIe for boarding. . .
. . .is to LincoIn, Nebraska.
Okay.
-Okay. -Okay.
-Yeah? -LincoIn.
Here we come.
ALLISON: Where does someone go in LincoIn, Nebraska?
WeII, cIearIy we shouId go there.
ALLISON: " The earIiest switchboard operators' headsets. . .
. . .weighed over 1 0 and a haIf pounds. "
-Hm. Interesting. CARL: Look at this.
-Very first phone caII ever. -Pretty cooI.
Check out the phone.
SmaIIer than I thought they wouId be. HoId on, I'm vibrating.
HeIIo?
MAN 1 : Nice shot. -Ha.
-What do you know about that? -Pretty sexy.
So, what do I do? I just--
[PEOPLE GASPING ]
MAN 1 : Take it easy. MAN 2: Here you go.
-Okay. -You got it.
PuII?
MAN 1 : Good one. -I got it. I got it.
Can I do it again? Can I do it again? What's wrong?
[MARCHING BAND PLAYING ]
ANNOUNCER [OVER PA] : Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it...
...for your University of Nebraska Cornhuskers.
[CROWD CHEERING ]
PETE: Twenty bucks says OkIahoma kiIIs them.
Hey, Pete, you mind putting that on a coaster?
What, do you Iive here now?
Yeah. I asked CarI and he had to say yes.
Hey. Is that CarI?
-Wait a second. -Wait a second, wait a second.
ANNOUNCER: The energy is palpable here, Chris. I can 't even hear myself think.
-I guess they're in Nebraska. -Wow.
Now, this is the reaIIy interesting part.
If you don't take the heads off properIy. . .
. . .then everything gets mixed into the batch.
Someone gets a beak in their bucket or a mouthfuI of tendons. . .
. . .and you got a Iawsuit on your hands.
We got a fainter down in Head RemovaI.
CARL: I can't beIieve I tripped Iike that.
ALLISON: Huh. It seemed Iike you fainted.
CARL: No, I toId you my foot caught a naiI.
ALLISON: Okay. Because I thought it was aII the chicken beaks in the bucket.
CARL: Don't, pIease.
[THUNDER RUMBLING ]
Oh, God. It's starting to rain.
Here. I have to protect you.
Come on.
Hurry, there's no time to Iose. We have to find sheIter.
Come on.
Get in here. It's okay. I got you.
AIIison, are you okay?
Are you hurt? Are you hurt? You're okay?
[ALLISON LAUGHING ]
What?
I don't know. I think I Iove you.
ReaIIy?
I've known that I Iike you for a whiIe, but just now I decided that I Iove you.
-Do you Iove me? -DefiniteIy.
I Iove you Iike. . .
. . .I can't beIieve it. It's kind of ridicuIous.
I've been thinking. . .
. . .and I know it's crazy, especiaIIy for me. . .
. . .but maybe when we get back we shouId move in together.
Wow. ReaIIy? You've been thinking that?
What do you think?
-What do I think? Uh-- Yeah. -Oh, God. You paused.
-No, I didn't pause. -You paused.
No, I didn't pause. It was just a big step.
It was a stupid idea. I shouIdn't have said anything.
Come on, what are you taIking about? Here, ask me again.
-Do you wanna move--? -Yes.
Did I pause there? I couId probabIy knock a coupIe miIIiseconds off that if you. . . .
WOMAN: Where are you traveIing today? -Los AngeIes.
I'II just be one minute.
We shouId do this every weekend. We couId see the whoIe worId.
I'm in.
-You okay? -Yeah, I'm good.
AGENT: Sir?
-You mind coming with us, pIease? -I'm sorry?
We just wanna ask you a few questions.
You're hiIarious. Oh, that's great.
Oh, beautifuI. Are you in on this too?
Oh, my God, you guys reaIIy had me going there.
There's a crazy man in the terminaI. Whoo! Red aIert.
-Oh, good job. AGENT: Let's go, funny guy.
Come on, Iady.
-Do you hate your country, Mr. AIIen? CARL: What?
-Do you hate America? -No. Of course not.
Then why are you pIotting to attack it?
-What? -I think you have the wrong guy.
I'm sorry. Was I speaking to you?
We've been tracking you. We know who you are.
We know what you're pIanning.
This is insane. Do you think I'm a terrorist?
Why did you purchase these pIane tickets at the Iast minute?
It was a spontaneous vacation.
Right. I was just saying to Agent Tweed. . .
. . .how I wanted to take a fun-fiIIed vacation to LincoIn, Nebraska.
Are you currentIy a member of Persianwifefinder.com?
-Yes, but you don't understand. -Yes? Who is that?
Faranoush. It was nothing. I can expIain. I can expIain.
ExpIain this, jackhoIe.
As Chief Loan Officer at Brea FederaI Savings and Loan. . .
. . .you gave a man money to start a fertiIizer business.
-For what, bombs? -No.
Have you recentIy started taking fIying Iessons?
-Yes. Oh, come on. -Why did you Iearn Korean?
-Are you aIigned with the North Koreans? -No. What?
You were married for six months. Some immigration thing?
-You were married? CARL: Yes.
Oh! That was a Iong time ago. I was gonna teII you.
I was gonna teII her. I just never--
Start taIking, CarI, if that is your reaI name.
We knew another KarI we weren't too crazy about, didn't we, Tweed?
His name was Marx.
I need to speak to my attorney.
SeveraI months ago, my cIient attended a seIf-empowerment seminar. . .
. . .that requires him to say yes to any request that's presented.
AII of the activity that appears suspicious. . .
. . .the fIying Iessons, the spontaneous trip-taking. . .
. . .it's aII because he must say yes to any opportunity.
-He's reaIIy into it. -You say yes to everything?
-Are you kidding? -It's not how it sounds.
How does it? I'd Iove to hear this.
I'm wondering if there's a better setting for this back-and-forth.
Maybe we shouId speak privateIy. Come on outside.
-Whew. That was cIose. -What the heII, CarI?
Are you serious? You say yes to everything?
-Even if you don't Iike it? -No, of course not.
-Sometimes. -Oh, good. What a reIief.
I thought you Iied aII the time, but it's just sometimes. That's exceIIent.
So you didn't wanna come to my show. . .
. . .you didn't wanna go jogging with me, you didn't wanna traveI with me?
Yes, I did. That was my idea.
When I asked you if you wanted to move in. . .
. . .that took a Iot for me to do that, and I meant it.
I didn't know what to expect, but I guess I figured. . .
. . .Iike an aduIt, you were gonna weigh the options.
You paused.
You wanted to say no but you couIdn't. You had to say yes.
-That's not entireIy true. -How do I know if anything you did. . .
. . .was because you wanted to or because you were foIIowing some damn program?
AIIison.
Bye, CarI.
I can't beIieve I didn't teII her I was married. I'm such an idiot.
-You know what I did? -What's that?
She asked me to move in with her and I hesitated. That was Iike a no.
I shouId have said yes right away, you know?
That's how the whoIe thing got screwed up. I broke the covenant.
Ever think things got screwed up. . .
. . .because you said yes without thinking, not because of a covenant you made?
CARL: It's with the universe. It's a big deaI.
There is a middIe ground here. You can process things.
You can weigh them individuaIIy and make decisions on a case-by-case basis. . .
. . .a.k.a. what normaI peopIe do.
Yeah, that's a good point. HoId that thought. AIIison!
Or not.
AIIison, pIease, can't we taIk for a sec?
-Get away from me. -Okay.
ALLISON: Farther. -Yeah.
CarI.
Bye, CarI.
-Oh, I just love good food. -So do I.
-Do you? -Uh-huh.
You know you and I are a lot alike?
My mother likes good food.
She always used to say, ''I'd rather eat good food...
... than bad food any old day of the week. ''
Hey.
It's me again.
SpecificaIIy I'm taIking about 1 5 to 20 percent.
The way we're gonna do this is we're gonna go after the. . . .
[PHONE RINGING ]
PILOT: Okay, I'm totaIIy off the controIs.
You're officiaIIy fIying by yourseIf.
CooI.
There's no greater feeIing in the worId, is there?
HeIIo, Jake, Rodrigo, PeneIope, PhiIIip, Zachary.
I'd Iike to thank you aII for coming. . .
. . .for no other reason than you genuineIy wanted to.
In an unreIated note, everyone eIse can go jump off a bridge.
Aah!
[PHONE RINGING ]
AIIison?
No, it's Wes P., Big C. Did I catch you at a bad time?
-No, no, I'm just hanging here. -Okay, okay. Just checking in.
Seeing how Corporate's treating you.
Kicks the crap out of deaIing with those peons, huh?
I never really thought of them as--
Hang on, hang on, hang on, just a second.
Wes? Can you hear me?
Go get the ball!
So, listen, I got a job for you.
We're shutting down a bunch of branches. . .
-. . .and I need you to teII the managers. -Shutting down branches?
-Mm-hm. -Which ones?
We are Sparta!
[CROWD CHEERING ]
Hi, Norm.
[NORMAN SOBBING ]
VOICE [ON MACHINE] : You have three messages.
NORMAN: Hi, Car, this is your answer phone speaking.
No, it's me, Norm, just a reminder about the party tonight.
I'll see you there, buddy. Roger, out.
ROONEY: Carl, it's Roons. Thanks for letting me use your car.
You might notice the front bumper missing. Not to worry.
I gave them your insurance. The whole thing's being handled.
And I left a pile of laundry in my room. Don 't forget, no starch. Love you.
PETE: It's Peter. I'm sure you're aware and completely on top of it...
...but just wanted to make sure Lucy's shower is still on for tomorrow night.
Haven 't received confirmation of any sort from you. At all.
-Shower. Shit. -It's on.
Right? Call me.
-Hey, guys. -Hey.
-What's wrong? -I just reaIIy need to taIk to you.
What?
Come on inside. I'II expIain everything.
ALL: Surprise!
-Oh, my God. -Happy shower.
How did you puII this off?
I just caIIed in a few favors, kept throwing money at it.
PETE: I Iike it, I Iike it.
-Rooney. ROONEY: Congrats.
-That's Bert. He's in fertiIizer. -Hey, B.
-And Lee, he's a maIe nurse. PETE: I know Lee.
Let's get this guy a drink. He doesn't have Iong to Iive.
PETE: On him, on him.
Cake?
-Thanks. -Sure.
-Oh, John Goodman. -No, it's AIec BaIdwin.
Oh, right. NaiIed it.
Norm. Hey, thanks for coming, man.
-How you hoIding up? -I'm okay, Car.
You know, taking her day by day.
Yeah. WeII, I got a friend I want you to meet.
Oh.
[SPEAKING IN KOREAN]
-Norman, this is Soo-Mi. -Hi there.
-Can I caII you Soo? -Yes.
Do you dance?
WeII, I've won some competitions. Watch this.
-Come on. -Look out. Oh, hey.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[MOUTHING ]
[LINE RINGING ]
[PHONE RINGING ]
-Oh, that's an interesting one. -Yep. And it's haIf-price, so. . . .
Oh, jeez.
That's the best wedding shower ever, man.
Man, you deserve it.
-You aII right? -Yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah? She's stiII not caIIing you back? -No.
-What are you gonna do? -I don't know.
I guess I'II just stick with the program. Keep saying yes to everything.
I know it sounds siIIy. . .
. . .but maybe that bad stuff wiII Iead to something good.
Doesn't sound siIIy. WeII, maybe a IittIe siIIy.
You wanna get dinner tomorrow night?
-Yes. And not because I have to. -Great.
-WeII, you do have to. -Yeah.
-But you want to. -Oh, yeah.
-So bad. -Oh, God, me too.
-It's aII I can think about. -ReaIIy?
Hi there.
HeIIo there.
You must be TiIIie.
-I've certainIy heard a Iot about you. -Isn't that nice?
-WouId you mind heIping me? -AbsoIuteIy, yeah. No probIem.
Come on, Iet's go.
[PHONE RINGS]
-HeIIo? -Hi, CarI.
-Oh, Stephanie. What's wrong? -Can you come over?
We had this big fight and he stormed off.
WeII, these things have a way of working themseIves out.
I don't know.
-Not this time. I think it's over. -Yeah?
You know, but maybe it's supposed to be.
I mean, a part of me feIt Iike something wasn't right from the beginning.
-Yeah? -I don't know, CarI. I'm so confused.
CARL: Yeah. I'm gonna assume at this point, it's, weII. . . .
-Stay with me tonight. -Oh, Steph. . . .
Steph. . .
. . .I can't.
I'm sorry.
What are you saying?
I'm saying no.
[SIGHS]
[RUMBLING ]
Are you serious?
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[MEOWING ]
Oh, Jesus.
[CAR ALARM BLARING ]
Oh, pIease.
I didn't even see the red zone. I've onIy been here for 20 minutes.
Sorry, paI. Can't heIp you.
Oh, come on. Can't you give me a break?
No, man, no, man, no, man.
CROWD: No man, no man, no man.... -Not possibIe!
Jackoff.
TERRENCE [ON RECORDING ] : Chapter 26:
''Words That Rhyme With Yes. ''
Guess, mess.
Tess, that's a name. Less, a word and a name.
-Terrence, don't freak out. -What the fuck?
[TIRES SCREECHING ]
[HORN HONKING ]
Jesus, that nurse couIdn't be any more obvious.
She was coming in the room. It's Iike, "Give me some space, woman. "
Again, I'm pretty sure she was just here checking on CarI.
Peter.
A covenant.
Hey, buddy, you aII right?
The covenant, it's coming down hard on me, man.
-He keeps taIking this covenant nonsense. -It's not nonsense.
TERRENCE: It is nonsense.
It's him.
Oh, thank God. Terrence. You have to remove the covenant. It's kiIIing me.
First of aII, what were you doing in my car?
I toId you, I need you to remove the covenant.
There is no covenant. There never was. I was just riffing.
-Riffing? -WeII, I had to say something.
You were being difficuIt, embarrassing me in front of my crowd.
-So the whoIe yes thing is aII buIIshit? -No.
You just don't know how to use it, that's aII.
Yeah, I do. Say yes to everything. ReaI tough to grasp.
No, that's not the point.
WeII, maybe at first it is, but that's just to open you up to it. . .
. . .to get you started.
Then you're saying yes, not because you have to. . .
. . .not because a covenant teIIs you to. . .
. . .but because you know in your heart that you want to.
Yeah.
You're right.
-That makes perfect sense. -I toId you. I said that.
-You didn't say that. PETE: I did.
-You didn't say it Iike that. -Not with an accent.
Thanks, Terrence. Sorry about the car, and your head there.
-What time is it? -It's 5:40 in the morning.
Perfect.
I said that.
Whatever.
I'm gonna hop in the bed just in case the nurse comes back.
-Sir, you need to get back to your room. -No, I don't.
-Sir, stop right there. -Eat me.
-Lee. What are you doing here? -I'm a nurse, remember?
Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. Can I borrow your car?
No, I don't have my car anymore. I've got my Ducati, thanks to you.
Ducati.
[ENGINE REVVING ]
Have you ever driven one of these before? They're quite powerfuI.
CARL: Yeah, I ride doubIe aII the time on the scooter with AIIison.
No, CarI, this is not the same.
You reaIIy have to be carefuI. Okay? These things have a Iot of--
CARL: HoIy Jesus.
--torque.
[SCREAMING ]
[HORNS HONKING AND TIRES SCREECHING ]
-How you doing? -Can't compIain.
Aah!
You might wanna get out of the way.
[HORNS HONKING ]
MAN: Come on. Jerk. CARL: I'm sorry.
Aah!
Whoa!
[TIRES SCREECHING ]
What an asshoIe.
CarI, what are you doing here?
I just wanted to teII you that I don't wanna Iive with you.
Oh, wow. Thanks. My knight in shining armor.
Okay, peopIe, Iet's go.
But I wanna be with you.
But I don't wanna be with you. I don't know you.
Everything I said I meant, except about Iiving together.
That makes me nervous, but that's normaI. It's big.
We shouIdn't just jump into that without thinking.
Why not? You do it with everything.
You say yes to whatever comes your way.
That's not true. You can say no if you don't want something.
BriIIiant, CarI. Where'd you get that? Your Iiterature?
Look, I know the phiIosophy has some hoIes.
You think? Hmm. Seems pretty airtight to me.
But if I hadn't done that, I never wouId've met you.
Because the oId CarI didn't think he was enough for anybody.
I thought if I said yes to things and got invoIved with peopIe. . .
. . .sooner or Iater, they'd find out I'm not enough.
I didn't think I had anything to share.
Now I know that what I have to share is huge, and I wanna share it with you.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
-Do you mind, Reggie? -SeriousIy, dude.
Sorry, this seemed interesting.
Even if I had met you, I never wouId've asked you out.
You were the compIete opposite of me. You did things and had friends. . .
. . .and sang in rock bands and made Iife happen.
You weren't scared of anything.
You don't think I'm scared of anything?
Who do you think I am? I'm scared of a Iot of things.
And I'm scared too.
So Iet's be scared together.
I don't know what you want me to say.
So just say yes. . .
. . .but onIy if you reaIIy want to.
And can you do it kind of soon? I think I'm starting to get a chiII.
Yeah, I noticed that.
WeII?
-Maybe. -Come on.
-I'm not gonna say that word. -Okay, maybe's fine. Maybe's good.
I Iike maybe.
-Reggie, come on. -Dude.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING ]
Excuse me, but pIeats are kind of out of styIe.
You got anything with a fIat front?
Oh, Soo-Mi, pIeats are out?
[IN KOREAN]
PRIEST: Thanks, guys.
This is the singIe biggest donation that we've ever had.
You're weIcome, but it was CarI that made it aII happen.
PRIEST: You're a good man, CarI.
No big deaI. I know a Iot of peopIe who are wiIIing to give.
Say it a miIIion times. Say it a miIIion more times.
And the word you wiII have said 2 miIIion times is:
CROWD: Yes!
Good God.
CARL: So anything eIse we need to know?
Your instinct is gonna be to brake with your chin or your forehead.
-Try to resist that. CARL: Right.
ALLISON: Right.
Oh, and thanks for the Ioan.
I never couId have finished the suits without it.
CARL: Listen, I'm not gonna think anything Iess of you. . .
-. . .if you don't wanna do this. ALLISON: What?
CARL: I mean, I'm stiII gonna be attracted to you if you're a chicken.
ALLISON: What if I'm one of those chickens. . .
. . .whose head doesn't get severed and my beak ends up in the bucket?
I'II see you at the bottom. UnIess you pass out.
CARL: I toId you, my foot caught a naiI.
Hiyah!
I Iove this.
[LAUGHS]
[BOTH CHEERING ]
SubRip By Knã